Sunday, March 7, 2021

GOD WILL DO SOMETHING UNIMAGINABLE

"God has something unimaginable in mind for you personallyand the Church collectively—a marvelous work and a wonder.

we are moving forward and upward to places we’ve never been, to heights we can hardly imagine!"  

These are words by Elder Uchtdorf in the October 2020 General Conference.

I have decided to make a list of the unimaginable places I have been to in the last year:

- Moved back to Boston in the middle of a global pandemic

-Contributed to the work in the Rome Italy mission in various ways: Italian lessons for the mission, once a week, my genealogical tree was used to teach a family history class, I organized and spoke at a fireside with all stake presidents, RS presidents, youth leaders and youth to share about the book The Power of Every Day Missionary with Sr. Christine Christensen, Clay's wife; helped Simon organize a giro of the mission for Pres. & Sr Smith's and the assistants which took them to Salerno and Amalfi & Ravello (they loved it!); provided several speakers for firesides (Whitney Johnson, Mauro Properzi, Jana and Lloyd Baird, Rowdy and Judith Gaines); found information through the local Italian consulate (by bribing a friend with a cake and fresh mozzarella) to reactivate the visa process for missionaries going to Italy

- YW President: we were able to hold an online YW graduation celebration and had incredible YW activities online - when other wards were not having success.

- Took several art history courses and art history book groups, and used that knowledge to teach RS class in the Boston II Ward

- Helped organize a facebook live fireside for the Boston Mission featuring Whitney Johnson & provided names of other speakers.

- Took a Rome Visitor Center Tour with someone in Italy I had met through family search and with our RS sisters.

-Invited a friend (Roberto) to meet the missionaries in Bari, and he continues to meet with them weekly.

- teach an almost daily Italian lesson to a missionary temporarily reassigned to Boston until he gets his visa to Italy.







Friday, November 13, 2020

God wants me to be like a whale

Whales are one of the animals mentioned in the scriptures, mostly in the Old Testament.

Whales are mammals, associated with:

Compassion & solitude, knowledge of life and death.

Exhalation through their blow hole represents the freeing of creative energy or unbridled creativity.

The sound they make is also identified with a creative force of life.

They have a keen sense of smell and hearing. 

They form friendships, innovate, grieve play and sing.

They resemble man in many ways.


In the story of the brother of Jared, found in the BofM's book of Ether, we read "For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; for the mountains wave shall dash upon you. Nevertheless, I will bring you up again out of the depths of the sea." 

As the Jaredites get ready to cross the deep waters, the Lord commands them to build barges. He provides  instructions, just as he had previously instructed Nephi, and just as he had instructed the Israelites to build a candlestick for the ark of the covenant (Exodus 35:31-40).

The barges are described as being tight, small, and light (Ether 2:16,17).

(What could the barges represent? Maybe the commandments or the Gospel in general? As in: strict rules, but small things that end up to be easy - light?)

The barges present two problems: no air & no light.

The Lord takes care of solving the first problem: He instructs the brother of Jared to make holes at the bottom and at the top of the barges and to unplug them when in need of air if there is no water /waves around.

(Could this mean that when we are not in the middle of a storm of life, we can have a slightly more relaxed attitude in regards to the commandments - can we unplug for air? Conversely, when we are going through a storm, we must make sure to follow all rules 100%? - I am not sure.)

With the second problem, lack of light, the Lord asks the brother of Jared:"What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels?" and reminds him that there can be no windows nor fire. 

At this point the Lord tells him that he shall be as a whale and that He (the Lord) will prepare him for this trip/ experience.

And then asks him again "What will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light...?" (Ether2:25)

If the light represents Christ, we can see that while God is willing to provide air for all, he will not force the light upon us but will leave it up to us to accept and bring that light (with His help) into our midst.

At this point the brother of Jared has to rely on his skills and creativity (remember the creativity associated with whales).  He therefore proceeds to go to the mount (temple) melt 16 stones out of rock and then, through a beautifully spoken prayer, he addresses the Lord in much faith.

The prayer follows this pattern:

  • Acknowledgment of what God has commanded
  • Acknowledgement of personal weakness & weak human nature in general
  • Acknowledgement of the mercy of God through tribulations
  • Asking God to turn away His anger from us
  • Presentation of personal skill /talent (the stones)
  • Acknowledgement that God has all power to do things for the benefit of man
  • Asking God to bless talent/skill so that it may provide light while crossing the sea / storms of life/ moments of darkness
  • Expressing faith in the power of God and His ways, which men more often than not do not understand.
The prayer denotes a PRECISION OF LANGUAGE.
 
Notice that the book of Ether opens with the issue of the language: Jared is worried that his language (and of his family) will be confounded. If up until then this was the only language around, we might argue that this is indeed the language used by Adam to communicate with God, a language that allows man and God perfect and efficient communication. It makes sense that Jared does not want to lose it, even though he most probably understands the reason why God has made the decision to confound the language (the pride of man building the tower of Babel - the only way to stop that effort is to confound the language so men can no longer coordinate efforts and build the tower to reach haven).

So, what does this mean for us? Do we use precision of language when we pray? What does God want to hear when we pray? Does our language - the formulas we use- affect whether or not our prayers will be heard? I propose that it does.

The brother of Jared is granted his wish and has an incredible faith building experience:

  • The Lord touches the stones with His fingers
  • The Brother of Jared sees the fingers of the Lord and then the Lord - in His spirit body - because of the man's incredible faith. (Ether 3:13)
  • Christ ministers to him as He did to the Nephites.(Ether 3:17)
The faith of the Brother of Jared is transformed into perfect knowledge = the Brother of Jared receives the Second Comforter.

It's a sacred experience. The Brother of Jared is commanded not to share it with anyone but to write it down - in that same language that is meant not to be confounded - so that someone (Alma and then Joseph Smith) will interpret it in due time.

What's the lesson for us:

 
  • God wants us to be like whales and successfully overcome the storms of life
  • He provides specific instructions (barges)
  • He provides means to survive (holes)
  • He wants us to have the light of Christ (stones) but
  • we must choose to have the light of Christ in our lives and 
  • must pray with PRECISION OF LANGUAGE to use our skills, talents, creativity to bring the light in our midst and among our loved ones (melting stones out of rock) = we use our talents & creativity to share the light (rock= Christ is the rock)
  • We will have a sacred experience :
  1. we will see the hand of God in our lives
  2. our faith will be strengthened
  3. Christ will minister to us
  4. our faith might/will become perfect knowledge - our testimony of Christ will definitely be strenghtned.
In other words, we will be as a whale, overcoming the storm while coming up periodically to expel water (creativity) and breath (air provided by God).

Covid -19 is definitely a storm for all humanity. Will we use our talents to share the light of Christ? Do we have enough faith and can we follow the prayer pattern of the Brother of Jared to ensure that God will bless our talent so they can be the mean through which we shed the LIGHT?

I think understanding that God wants us to CREATE with Him and having faith and saying the correct prayers are key!!









Wednesday, November 11, 2020

Prayer

 What should we pray for?

Does the language we use in prayers affect whether or not our prayers are heard?

What did Christ pray for, and in what language?


"The evil one teacheath a man not to pray."

    https://rsc.byu.edu/book-mormon-3-nephi-9-30-my-gospel/pray-always-learning-pray-jesus-prayed
    Prayer is the goal of an individual to place him or herself in spiritual harmony with God the Father and Creator of all. According to latter-day prophets and apostles, prayer consists of much more than directing “mere words” or thoughts towards deity, but represents “the pulsation of a yearning, loving heart in tune with the Infinite.” Prayer is “a message of the soul sent directly to a loving Father. . . [it is] spirit vibration” (McKay 308). Prayer is having “a consciousness that there is something within us which is divine, which is part of the Infinite, which is the offspring of God, and until we can feel that harmony with that Infinite, we have not sensed the power of prayer” (302). Prayer, accompanied by works, “is the invisible switch to tune us with the infinite” (Kimball 62), it is placing ourselves “in harmony with divine forces” 
    An effective prayer is one in which an individual prays with “real intent of heart” (Moroni 7:9), with “all the energy of heart” (Moroni 7:48), and with “the sincerity of his heart” (D&C 5:24). In these passages, the heart represents the spiritual and inner emotive aspect of ourselves.

    Pray for: 
  • Alma in Ammoniah prays to be able to "baptize unto repentance."
  • Pray to receive a knowledge of the tribes of Israel (3Ne:4)
  • Pray for: God's mercy on us, against the power of enemies, against the devil, over the crops and flocks of the field - that we may prosper and that they may increase (Alma 34:17-28)
  • give thanks (1Ne2:7)
  • to know the mysteries of God (1Ne2:16)
  • to glorify Christ "Hosannah" (3Ne11:17)
  • to have our debts forgiven (Lord's Prayer)
  • against temptations & to be delivered from evil (Lord's Prayer)
  • ask to understand the words of Christ (3Ne17:3)
  • Share your troubles (3Ne17:14 - Christ)
  • pray for what is right   (3Ne 18: 20)
  • for wives and children to be blessed (3Ne 18:21)
  • for those who come worship with us often (3Ne18:23)
  • Holy Ghost  (3Ne19:9)
  • for people to receive the Holy Ghost  if they believe in Christ (3 Ne 19:23)
  • express gratitude for those who have been and will be purified by the words of Christ (3Ne 19:28)
  • For those out of the world , because of their faith, that they may be purified in Christ (3Ne19:29)
  • to solve disputations in the Church (3Ne27:3 - name of the church)
  • to speedily come into the kingdom (3Ne 28:2)
  • never taste death & bring souls unto Christ - 3 Nephites (3Ne 28:7, 9)
  • pray for those we lead, even if there is no faith in them (Mormon 3:12)
  • pray not to be confounded (mixed-up with other people) and understand our words (Ether 1:34)
  • ask what the Lord will do with us and if he will take us to a choice land (Ether 1:38)
  • for our friends, that God will not turn his anger towards them, and that their language may not be confounded (Ether1:36)

Where to pray:
  • in the fields over our flocks (work), in our houses, inner closets, in our secret places and in our wilderness. (Alma 34:17-28)
  • onto the mount, often (1Ne 18:3)
  • at the altar (1Ne 2:7)
  • in secret in our closet (3NE13:6)
  • in our families (3Ne18:21)
  • in our hearts (3Ne20:1)

When to pray:
  • morning, midday, evening (Alma 34:17-28)
  • always, lest you're tempted by the devil (3Ne:18:15)
  • after the Sacrament - to give glory to Christ (3Ne20:9)

How to pray

  • Make an offering (1 Ne2:7)
  • use not vain repetitions (3Ne 13:7)
  • kneel down (3Ne17:13)
  • say great and marvelous things ( Christ - 3Ne17:16,17)
Who to pray to:
  • to the Father (Christ and disciples pray to the Father in 3 Ne)

Consequences of prayer

  • Become white as Jesus (3Ne19:31)
  • hearts are open and we understand the words of Christ (3 Ne19: 33)
  • If prayer = faith, then we see miracles and hear great things (3Ne19:36)



Thursday, September 24, 2020

A WISE MAN WHO BUILT HIS HOUSE UPON A ROCK - 3 NE 14

 In verse 24 of 3 Nephi 14 (and in Matthew 7), Christ says that "whoso heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, who built his house upon a rock-"


So, if we go backwards into the chapter, we can list the "sayings" he is talking about:

1. Don't judge - because as you judge, so shall you be judged.

2. Give not that which is holy unto the dogs nor pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet and then they... rend you (tear you apart with violence).  Very Interesting!!

3. Ask, seek and knock (to receive, find and be open unto).

4. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

5. Enter at the straight gate.

6. Beware of false prophets (you shall know them by their fruits). Also Interesting!

7. Do the will of the Father.


The list could potentially continue if we assume that what Christ asked the 12 apostles also helps to build upon His rock.

8. Do alms unto the poor - in private.

9. Pray privately, use the Lord's Prayer as a pattern.

10. Forgive others.

11. Fast in secret.

12. Lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven.

13. Let your eye be single.

14. Seek first the kingdom of God and don't worry about what to put on the table, God will provide.


Friday, March 27, 2020

DIARIO DI UN CONTAGIO: CORONA VIRUS 2020

All'improvviso è sceso un velo buio sull'umanità tutta.  Nel giro di pochi mesi una malattia che sembrava essere limitata alla zona di Whuan -Cina, si è trasformata in una pandemia, a dispetto di tutti gli scettici che si ritenevano superiori e intoccabili, sia a livello di governi e capi di stato sia a livello individuale.

Si tratta di un nemico invisibile, forte e sconosciuto che ha praticamente ucciso tutti i rapporti sociali - tutto ciò che rende l'uomo uomo - isolandolo nella propria  piccola casa in attesa che il male passi e isolandolo nella sofferenza e nella morte, visto che i pazienti gravi vengono immediatamente isolati nei reparti ospedalieri e chi non ce la fa, muore in assoluta solitudine.

Mi vengono in mente varie immagini e versi: in una delle sue canzoni "Le vie dei Colori," Claudio Baglioni parla  di "un viaggio che ognuno fa solo con sé, perché non è che si va lontano..." Avevo sempre pensato che parlasse della morte, ma rileggendo il testo mi sono resa conto che parlava della scoperta personale per un miglioramento interiore. Però mi resta l'immagine del viaggio della morte a livello individuale... il virus ci uccide in solitudine.

L'essere chiusi in casa con le nostre famiglie e la calma che regna fuori per le strade mi fa pensare agli ebrei dei campi di concentramento, fatti assemblare nelle sale docce, per quella che sembrava una buona causa - la doccia- per essere poi tutti annientati, piano piano, con i gas letali.

E come posso non pensare alla decima piaga d'Egitto dell'Angelo della Morte, che uccise tutti i primogeniti, tranne quelli delle famiglie le cui porte di casa fossero unte con il sangue di un agnellino. Chi sarà risparmiato da questa piaga? Quali sono i requisiti per poterne uscire vincitori?

Siamo tutti mine vaganti, in grado di "esplodere" in qualsiasi momento. Non sono malata oggi, ma potrei esserlo domani o dopo domani.

La tv dice "È una pandemia senza precedenti, una crisi sanitaria mondiale che affligge le nazioni più sviluppate."

Non riesco a non domandarmi quale sia lo scopo di tutto ciò agli occhi di Dio:
"Bruciare le sterpaglie nella vigna che non producono frutto? Re-innestare vari rami nei vari alberi della vigna?" (Allegory of the olive tree - Jacob 5, Book of Mormon)

O forse è un modo per fare un po' di "disruption," per smuovere gli animi degli uomini e per "forzare" i suoi servitori a trovare nuove vie per diffondere il Vangelo? Per aiutarci a fare ordine nelle nostre vite e a dare priorità alle cose più importanti?

In TV qualcuno sta dicendo che abbiamo tre armi per vincere il nemico:

-Collaborazione di tutti i cittadini a rispettare le regole
-Operatori sanitari
-Diffusione dell' informazione in maniera trasparente e corretta

Come sempre dimenticano la fede e la preghiera... just saying.....

"The Egyptians will know that I am the Lord!"

Cambiando leggermente argomento: Simon sta svolgendo la sua missione a Roma - a Ladispoli in questo momento. È al termine della terza settimana chiuso in casa... il lavoro missionario pero non si ferma e non conosce ostacoli, almeno nella sua missione e in quella di Milano, i cui presidenti, amici già dal loro rione in Idaho, sono in stretta collaborazione e sintonia. Una coincidenza che si conoscessero già prima di essere chiamati in missione? Grazie alla tecnologia e internet illimitato, questi poveri ragazzi riescono ad insegnare dallo schermino del loro telefonino - che si trasforma cosi in una piccola arma potente per Dio!

Luca è a BYU - I corsi sono tutti stati trasferiti online, ma, nonostante ciò, resta là per "godere" fino all'ultimo della compagnia della sua ragazza - Alesha.

Io, Mark ed Eleni siamo a casa, a Windermere. La ns casa sarà nostra solo per un altro mese. Dopo di che sarà venduta e noi saremo "homeless." I piani erano di tornare a Boston - ma chissà se ci riusciremo - o se Dio non ci sta preparando ad altro. Dentro di me ho un grande terrore che possa succedere qualcosa a Mark...

Mi fermo qui e inizio quello che spero possa essere il mio Diario del Contagio, con osservazioni e piccoli dettagli della quarantena, a livello quotidiano.


Day 1

Ho lavato i miei vestiti del tempio e ordinato delle nuove calze bianche - le vecchie erano rotte. Così, mi trovo avvantaggiata per la sepoltura - che spero non sia in Florida...

Day 2

Shopping al mercato presto la mattina, lungo giro in bici nel "regno incantato," pomeriggio tranquillo a casa ad ascoltare un podcast sulla Prima Visione e un tuffo in piscina. Hamburger e film per terminare con una telefonata a mezzanotte che ci avvertiva che i ladri sono entrati nello studio di Jacksonville.

Day 3

negli ultimi 10 anni più o meno, quando andavo in malinconia, mi mettevo a pensare agli altri posti nel mondo che avevo visitato- Parigi, Londra, Roma , Salerno, Amalfi- e pensavo che in ognuno di quei posti ci fosse vita e che stesse succedendo qualcosa di speciale. Adesso la malinconia sale ancora di più se penso che ogni luogo del mondo corrisponde alla mia realtà statica e che tutti vivono la mia vita. L’alternativa ora è solo una morte veloce, senza fiato e solitaria.
Cosa pensa Dio?

Day 4
nonostante il mondo di sia fermato, il cammino della fede va avanti.

Day 5
mai viste tante persone a passeggio x il quartiere.

Day 6
sembra di essere nel film Groundhog Day.

Day 8
Anche negli oroscopi c’è social distancing.

5 Aprile

I waited for the Lord, he inclined unto me,
he heard my complaint.
O blest are they that hope and trust in him.

 



Sunday, September 8, 2019

OF LOSSES, EFFORT, GRACE, AND BLESSINGS


After spending several days being caught up in hurricane preparations for a storm that fortunately never made it to Orlando, normal life resumed on Thursday. Eleni went back to school, Mark went on a local business trip, our kitchen backsplash was finally getting installed and I had plans to make it the mail box which is about 500 meters from our home. I figured it was time to finally empty it form all the junk that accumulates in there.

So, after I picked up Eleni from school at 5:30 pm and stopping at Chipotle for a burrito, we headed home and stopped at the mail box. I got out of the car, opened the back passenger door to retrieve the mailbox key from my bag. As always, my bag was full of old receipts, an umbrella, rain jacket, pens, antihistamines, sanitary pads... but my keys were nowhere to be found. I started getting everything out when I heard a click - a noise of something falling on the ground. I turned around but did not see anything. I thought it must have been a useless penny being thrown in the air with the rest of my junk while I was making my frantic search. The keys were nowhere to be found. I packed everything back in to the bag and drove home. 

I quickly changed into my athletic walking attire, grabbed a small shopping bag and walked back to the mail box, this time with the key. I retrieved all the mail, placed it in the bag and happily walked back home. Once there, I left the mail bag in the garage and continued my stroll down the end of our street and around the loop. 

Luca called during my walk. As always, we had a wonderful conversation,  and I took him around the loop at the end of the road. The sunset was simply gorgeous to the point that I decided to walk on a few yards of the golf course, climb on a little hill and take photos  there. To my surprise, I discovered a little pond behind the hill which I had never seen before - because I had never walked on the golf course- and I was so happy to stand on a hill (tiny), to catch a breeze on a super hot summer evening, and admire the  gorgeous sunset behind the pond. As life in Orlando is pretty dull, you can imagine my enthusiasm. Luca can attest. We were still on the phone and I was texting him photos of the scenery. 

Then I continued my walk home. By the time I arrived it was dark. I watered the plants by the garage and went inside. I deserved a nice cool shower. As I was ready to come out of the shower, I realized that I was missing an earring. Oh NO!!! it was by far my absolute favorite earring. I started my second frantic search of the day. First place to look: in the shower itself. Sometimes I lose earrings while I shampoo my head. But nothing. I went to the dirty laundry hamper, shook all the dirty clothes off but nothing. I tried to retrace the steps of the day in my head, until I remembered the "click" sound at the mail box when I had gone there the first time.

I quickly got dressed again, knelt down in my closet to pray, and went back to the mail box, with my phone flash light on along the way to see if  by chance I could spot the earring on the sidewalk. When I got to the mail box I looked everywhere, but was not able to find anything. So, I returned home.  I told Eleni that my search had been in vain and proceeded to take a photo of the other earring to post it on Next Door for the KP's neighborhood, hoping someone might have found the lost earring and would read my post. In the meanwhile Mark arrived home from his business trip. I gave him the news of my sudden loss and he kindly  accompanied me all the way to the end of the street, around the loop and on the golf course hill. It was dark and all we could see were each other's phone lights. We looked like professional robbers!

I so much desired to see the earring sparkle on the ground. But we never found it. We returned home. I was dehydrated, mad, and experiencing a tremendous sense of loss. I was really mad at God for depriving me of yet one more thing, besides my boys, my life, my city (aka Boston, and old Salerno), and now even my favorite earring. What in the world... I was wondering if Job had felt the same. I really wanted to cry. I think I did end up crying when I went to bed while praying to understand why this was happening to me. Me and losses... the love of a lifetime!

The next morning the plan was to go to the gym and then retrace my steps in the neighborhood one more time. I stopped at the mail box on the way to the gym. Nothing. After the gym, the stupid tile guy was back to do the grout. "I will never find that earring now" I figured "if I have to wait for this guy to finish..." As soon as he left, I dashed out the door and started my brisk walk back to the mail box, this time in the middle of the road, thinking that maybe the poor earring had travelled on the little step to get in and out of the car for a while, before dropping on the road and maybe being squished into pieces by a garbage truck.

I was talking to Luca again and he was cheering for me. Then I met my neighbor Lisa, who accompanied me on my walk all the way on the end of the street, all the while saying, "Don't worry, I'll look for your earring on my walks. I have got you covered." Yeah right!

The grass on the golf course had just been cut so I imagined my earring all chewed up in some  rusty, gargantuan lawnmower somewhere (golf course size)...Needless to say, once again I did not find anything. I went back home ready to pursue the rest of the plan: take a shower and drive back to Chipotle to check the parking lot there. I was not going to give up so easily. However, after the shower, I distinctly heard a voice in my head saying, "Don't go. Do what you need to do here: work on translation of the book by C. C. That is more important. It will all work out." I have learned to obey that voice! 

Without questioning it I sat down to translate. I had one hour before having to pick up Eleni at school. By the afternoon I had basically forgotten about the earring, thinking that iwas gone forever! Sigh! We continued with our afternoon activities and Mark and I left at 6:00 to go to the Brad Wilcox Fireside, on the topic of grace.

The main point of the fireside was that we walk this life with Christ, we do our part and he blesses us with grace along the way, enabling us to carry out our life, changing us along the way, and blessing us with power, knowledge and blessings. But we have to do our part. He (Br Wilcox) created this equation: Christ + me = more. Although we tend to think: me +more = Christ.

We came home and watched tv. As I was sitting on the couch I checked my email as I usually do before going to bed. There was a next-door message: a lady named Sonya claimed to have my earring. She said her husband had found it while golfing. What?? 

I called her this morning only to realize that her number was already stored in my phone. What?? 
Then I remembered it was the owl lady we had met last year with her husband and daughter when we first moved in. We had gone on a bike ride and they stopped us to look at an owl in a tree. We had exchanged phone numbers but never talked again.

Mark and I walked to her house and sure enough her husband had the earring the he had found at the mailbox, not golfing. 

I immediately  felt that the story was a perfect illustration of what Br Wilcox shared with us at the fireside. I had done all that I could have possibly done to find the earring: walked miles back and forth, prayed to find it, prayed for understanding, listened to the voice that told me to keep working on my translation, while reassuring me at the same time that it would all work out fine. Then, miraculously, the blessing came. It was an amazing feeling.

Now, I have to figure out if there is a reason why that particular family found the earring... maybe there will be another chapter to the story!

Thursday, August 29, 2019

GRATITUDINE E GIOIA

Da poco più di un anno abitiamo ad Orlando, FL. È stata e continua ad essere un'esperienza ricca di sorprese negative, inaspettate, che ti lasciano semplicemente senza parole. Parlo del livello intellettivo della gente per finire al modus vivendi delle stesse persone. Non ho ancora capito bene come impieghino il proprio tempo oltre a lavorare, fare sport, mangiare e bere, e parchi di divertimento Disney e Universal. In realtà non mi sembra ci sia molto altro.

Non c'è dove andare a passeggiare per divagarsi, ad ammirare qualcosa di bello, tranne la natura in pochi posti in cui come donna sola non mi sento a mio agio di andare. Non c'e' posto dove poter andare  a nutrire il proprio cervello di qualcosa di più elevato, che ispiri a diventare una persona migliore o a fare qualcosa di meglio e di nuovo.


Ho trascorso gli ultimi 13 mesi praticamente agli arresti domiciliari. Se pensavo che sei mesi di inverno Bostoniano fossero tosti, non avevo preso in considerazione gli anni interi che si possono trascorrere chiusi in aria condizionata perché fuori non c'è assolutamente nulla da fare, tranne la spesa o mangiare fuori.

Per fortuna abitiamo nel "regno incantato' di Keene's Pointe, dove si può camminare o andare in bici per km, in viali alberati di case, interrotti da qualche stagno artificiale qua e là, che dopo un po' diventano monotoni e pesanti.

Sto cercando di capire quale sia la lezione da imparare. Luca ha suggerito la gratitudine. Ma la gratitudine per cosa? Per quello che avevo e non ho più? o per quello che ho nonostante tutto ciò che non ho più? O per quello che ho e che potrei non avere?

Sono settimane che penso alla scrittura "Man is that he may have joy." Sto cercando di capire cosa sia la gioia e cosa fare quando non si prova più gioia in nessun angolo di vita, dall'amore alla vita famigliare, da quella personale alla vita spirituale. Cosa fare quando attorno a noi non c'e' nulla che ci stimoli, che ci ispiri ; quando non c'è nulla che dia la carica e ci faccia svegliare pieni di entusiasmo la mattina? In altre parole, come faccio ad essere grata del negativo? E se decido di non accontentarmi e di pregare per un cambiamento, sono ingrata e inaccontentabile? O forse sono malata? Depressa? Si, un caso clinico? Ho il male di vivere?

Quando parlo con mio marito, il suo atteggiamento e sempre quello di sopportare, di prenderla come viene, di accontentarsi. Insomma, di farsi violenza anche quando le situazioni che viviamo non ci fanno stare bene. È come se volesse dirmi che i veri cristiani fanno così, scegliendo di stare bene pur di mentire a se stessi.

Ma allora Dio è un essere crudele, che ammazza la nostra personalità e creatività in virtù di valori come l'obbedienza, la gratitudine, il freno delle nostre emozioni etc. etc.

Il fatto è che non credo, né prima di venire qui né eventualmente dopo questo triste capitolo,  di essermi mai data alle scelleratezze e alla depravazione. Credo di essere stata comunque una persona tranquilla, caritatevole - quando possibile - generosa, altruista, ospitale, coscienziosa, puntuale, e anche simpatica.

Quindi, se decido di cambiare, dovrò sentirmi in colpa?? Sarò punita? Sarò considerata ingrata? la mia vita peggiorerà? Non l'ho ancora capito...

Se potessi avere una bacchetta magica, andrei via subito, senza pensarci due volte, cercando di dimenticare questi mesi il prima possibile.

Ma al momento è impossibile.

Sono una donna intelligente ma stupida perché non ho saputo prevedere una situazione del genere.
Dopo 25 anni dedicati alla famiglia, a crescere i figli e a lavorare qua e la' in realtà non ho concluso nulla che potrebbe darmi adesso l'autonomia per fare la valigia e scappare via di qua. Sono al 100% dipendente da un uomo che è assolutamente uno stronzo. Non ci sono altre parole per descriverlo. Nella sua incapacità di gestire la sua vita professionale sta portando questa famiglia allo sfascio, nascondendosi dietro strategie di "fare soldi" destinate al fallimento. Lo odierò sempre per questo, per non essere leale con se stesso e con me e i suoi figli, per essere un pagliaccio senza sostanza. Lo avessi capito prima dubito che lo avrei sposato. Credo che sia stato un pagliaccio con me fin dall'inizio, proclamando di essere ciò che non è.

Io ci sono cascata. Perché sono una persona semplice, ingenua, fessacchiotta. Ma ora cosa me ne faccio di tutte queste qualità inutili???